Insults.co.uk is owned and operated by a pair of damaged, sarcastic cockwombles who have been friends and colleagues for far longer than either of us care to remember.
Our shared love of slightly (and indeed hugely) acerbic off-kilter humour, more often than not aimed at each other in a vile and vitriolic manner, has led us to a point where we got a bit bored of just making websites and wanted to go old-skool and create something tangible – a real, physical product – something that would allow the proles (that’s you) to show their true misanthropic side to those they love/tolerate/despise.
Our first foray into this kind of remorseless tosspottery is our unique range of insulting ‘greetings’ cards – we’ve started with a small range covering a few eventualities but intend to build that up steadily in the coming weeks and months until we have a card for practically every occasion imaginable. We’ll be doing our level best to offer a range that represents the full spectrum of malevolence – from a gentle sarcastic dig to a weapons-grade foul-mouthed onslaught that would make even the most caustic person wince with discomfort.
We felt that the greetings card market was hugely under-served in this respect. We’ve long been tired of the saccharine-sweet platitudes, the bad clip-art, awful typography and generally insipid nature of the kind of birthday cards and valentine’s day cards that you find making up 99.999% of the offerings on the high street. Naturally, we don’t expect to have any impact on the high street because your average mainstream purveyor of folded papery horseshit isn’t going to want to display our products alongside the usual stagnant selection of vomit-inducing hand-drawn teddy bears and other instances of vacuous crowd-pleasing drivel that make you die a little bit inside every time they piss in your eyes. If we can counter the outpourings of these tat-mongers and shitehawks even enough to cover our initial outlay then we’ll feel like we’ve at least made a few people smile/happy/upset along the way, and that’ll do us nicely.
The way we see it, if you actually want one of our cards on your mantlepiece then we’ve evidently not tried hard enough.
We’ll be updating our shop, blog and the usual array of empty, time-wasting social bollocks with our latest offerings as and when they’re added, along with other things from like-minded sites that appeal to our warped think-lumps – so be sure to felch us on FaceBook, teabag us on Twitter, irritate us on Instagram, provoke us on Pinterest and whatever-the-fuck else you do on all those other social apps that you spend your lonely existence on when you should probably either be out with friends or stopping your children from eating crayons instead.
All of our cards are designed by us and printed in the UK – they are fantastic quality and are sent cellophane-wrapped in board-backed envelopes to give you the highest possible chance of them arriving unmolested by those hapless pricks at Royal Mail, assuming of course that they somehow manage not to lose them entirely.
We should perhaps point out that you send any of our products entirely at your own risk. We accept no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences. But then you realise that because you’re a jaw-droppingly astute person with impeccable taste and a great sense of humour, which is why you came here in the first place – and we’d like to thank you most sincerely for that. Now buy something, or fuck off.