Frequently Asked Questions

You’ve got questions? We’ve got answers. Some of them are even relevant.

What kind of quality are your cards?

In one word: SPLENDID.

Our cards are printed by an established UK printing company and individually inspected for quality before being packaged and also before being despatched to the masses.

All our cards are professionally printed on 300GSM* TruCard (or better) unless specified otherwise.

*GSM (pronounced ‘jizm’) is the universal standard for paper density / quality – it stands for Grams per Square Metre. The higher the jizms, the better the card.

Standard photocopier paper is around 80-90 jizms.

Most greetings cards are around 265 jizms.

300 jizms is really very high quality card, because we want you to be happy with our stuff.

We’re confident that you’ll find our jizm to your liking.

Where do you ship to?

Anywhere you like. We don’t really care where you live, we just want you to buy our stuff. We’ll ship your order to the moon if you pay the carriage.

If there are any local laws regarding obscenities in the country that your order is being shipped to then you should bear that in mind. This is your sole responsibility and if you end up in the mire then please don’t come crying to us.

You could always move somewhere a little more tolerant.

Can you send the card directly to the recipient for me?

Nope. Don’t be so fucking lazy and impersonal.

Why is Bono such a colossal wanker?

Nobody knows.

How can I track my order?

Deliveries are not trackable unless you’ve arranged a trackable alternative method to our standard Royal Mail First Class deliveries or have made a bulk or wholesale order that needs to be dispatched by courier. If this is the case you will be advised of any tracking information when your order is despatched.

Is the payment that I make through you safe?

Yup. All payments are handled securely via PayPal. We just get your money, not your card details.

How does payment work?

All payments are made via PayPal – if you wish to purchase wholesale quantities of our products then we are happy to accept bank transfers on request. Send us your requirements via our Contact Page and we’ll get in touch right away.

We do not accept cheques or postal orders for much the same reason that we don’t have a fax machine. It’s 2016, people.

My payment won't go through?

Do you have any money in your bank account? Maybe you should spend less time on the internet and more time earning a living?

All payments are handled via PayPal in association with your card provider – you’d need to speak to them regarding any issues in processing payments and we’d suggest starting with your card provider unless it looks like a problem at PayPal.

At no point do we receive, store or have any access whatsoever to your payment details. This is for your security, and ours. We only want your money, not your data.

Where you believe that there is an issue on our site preventing you from making a payment, please use the Contact Page to let us know and we’ll look into it for you as soon as possible.

I find the content of your site offensive...

Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Of course you do. It’s 2015 – it’s the year that everyone officially got offended by everything…

Our advice would be both simple and two-fold; either get over yourself, or click the little x in the top right hand corner, go and watch a Disney film and don’t come back (until you’ve got over yourself).

When will I get my order?

We will do our best to ensure that orders placed before 15.00 Monday to Friday will be despatched the same day – excluding UK Bank Holidays. All standard orders are sent First Class via Royal Mail.

Naturally, we have no control over Royal Mail or their staff. We’re not overly convinced that they have either. Generally speaking you can expect your order to arrive 1-2 working days after placing it (see above) – so sit back and look forward to having it either posted through your door by a grown man in shorts, or lost. If you’ve not received your order after 3-5 working days then you can safely assume the latter we’d have thought. 

First Class post is insured up to a value of £20. We do not accept any responsibility for items lost or damaged in transit but we may be able to claim from Royal Mail for any such occurrences. Where this is required, we will not issue a refund to you until we have been reimbursed by Royal Mail. Where Royal Mail refuse to reimburse us then accordingly we will be unable to refund you.

Where an item is damaged in transit, we may require you to return the damaged item at your expense before we can make a claim. We may on occasion also accept (entirely at our discretion) photographic evidence of the damage. We regret that we are unable to accept photographic evidence for lost items, because that would be stupid…

In accordance with the above, we will refund you the amount of your order up to a maximum value of £20 on receipt of compensation from Royal Mail. If your order exceeds £20 in value, you can either risk it or ask us about Royal Mail Special Delivery, which has a higher insurance limit.

Wholesale orders will be sent by an appropriate courier with tracking information advised at point of despatch. In case of loss or damage, refunds will be subject to the outcome of a similar process to the above.

I have a shop. Can I stock your awesome products?

We’d be genuinely delighted to work with you. Get in touch via our Contact page and we’ll be whispering sweet nothings in your ear in no time at all!

Can I order bulk quantities?

Yeah, we’d love you to and will do whatever we can to help. Send us your requirements via our Contact page and we’ll get right on it!

I'm experiencing issues when shopping using my MacBook Pro in Costa or Starbucks...

While you’re waiting for your fabulously overpriced laptop to reboot, why not get up, walk over to the barista, order yourself another soy caramel macchiato, sit back down, shut the fuck up and try again.

Or perhaps try it on the iPad and iPhone in your manbag.

You really are a shallow, aspirational cunt and a marketeer’s wet dream.

That’s what your friends would tell you. If you had any. 

What size are your wonderful cards?

All of our cards have the dimensions specified on their individual item pages. Generally speaking, they’re  148.5mm wide x 210mm high, (A5 long-edge folded) – that’s a bit under 6″ wide by a bit over 8″ tall for those of you who have taken a sabbatical from smashing up looms to embrace the internet.

They’re possibly bigger and definitely better than the offerings you’ll find elsewhere, without being ungainly. So buy one. Hell – buy loads.

I've fucked up - can I change my order?

The simple answer to this question is ‘maybe’.

Depending on whether your order has already been processed or posted out, small changes may be possible. Please use our Contact page as soon as you’ve realised that you’ve been foolish to let us know that you’ve been foolish, how exactly you’ve been foolish, and what the hell you’d like us to do about it precisely…

If you simply wish to add further items to your order then please just place a separate order for the additional items.

I'm having technical issues with my order.

Drop us a line via our Contact page detailing the problem and we’ll do everything we can to help. If it transpires that you’re an idiot, we’ll even try to be reasonably nice about it.

What are you wearing?

Hmm… Bit creepy, that…